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By Anne Gagliano
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| Photo courtesy of www.photos8.com |
Ironically, grief can be hard to let go of. One would think letting go of grief would be a good riddance, but it is often easier said than done. Grief is a very real and powerful emotion; it can take over if you let it. We grieve when we lose something we love—from items, to pets, from habits to traditions, and ultimately to loved ones. We recently lost a beloved dog, our dachshund, Oscar Mayer Weiner. We’d had Oscar in our lives for 13 years—he was, quite frankly, like a family member. That first week after he died I found myself nearly unable to function, so intense was my grief. This is normal. When you give your heart to something, even a dog, you risk heartbreak. All I could do was ride it out. But after a week or so, I had to get moving; life goes on and I had work to do. I forced myself to not take my grief to dark places, such as despair and bitterness, but rather to just acknowledge the fact that it’s okay to be sad. We loved him—we lost him—such is the way of life. (Of course, a dog is nothing compared to a human being, so I don’t mean to make light of that kind of loss.) Letting go of grief does not mean letting go of the love and the memories—it simply means not becoming absolutely crippled by it and not seeking unhealthy modes of escape for comfort.
Another type of grief is saying goodbye to old traditions. This can be quite painful as well. For example, we’ve had to adapt to sharing our son with his new in-laws during the holidays. We can no longer do everything exactly the same way. It would be selfish of us to make our son and new daughter-in-law feel badly about this—so we have to let go. We’ve found that holding on too tight to the past just keeps us from enjoying the present. Life changes--we, as families, outgrow certain traditions; it’s time to move on. What joy we find when we welcome the new and choose to accept it! New traditions then become just as precious and treasured as old ones.
What else needs to go as you “clean house” for the new year? Maybe you work too much? Work isn’t a bad thing; it’s a necessary function of productive human beings that wish to eat and have a roof over their heads. But how much is too much, and how much is not enough? We are constantly having to ask this question in our house, as my husband Mike’s work load very quickly can become too much. He has invitations coming in almost daily for teaching gigs across the country. Seattle Fire requests his presence or influence in project after project, offering more overtime than he could ever possibly fulfill. He’s contracted to write a leadership book for Pennwell, and he has agreed to co-write a marriage book with me. He does a blog talk radio show for Fire Engineering. He’s on several committees. On and on I could go—the demands are that great. And it’s all good stuff! He is both thrilled and honored by the requests, which only makes it even harder to ever say no. Saying no means risking losing something great, it can even mean losing future invitations; after all, one must strike while the iron is hot. We believe in striving for something great, something to build on, something to be able to do for the rest of our lives. But is it all too much? How much can we physically and emotionally handle? Firefighters, like my Mike, tend to overreach, as their achiever, type A personalities spur them to do so. Maybe it’s time to purge a little of the work load this year; after all, sometimes less is more.
There’s one last nook that needs to be examined and possibly cleaned out this year—one that’s not often contemplated. Ever consider that some of your dreams might have to go? How can this be, for aren’t we told from childhood to pursue our dreams at all costs? Aren’t dreams worth living for, worth dying for? Aren’t they what make life worth living? Yes and no. Yes, some dreams come true, but yes, some dreams fall through. Some dreams simply get in the way; they’ve become unrealistic and childish. For example, Mike has always dreamed of being a rock star. But since he can’t really sing, and since he could not learn to play the guitar though he tried hard to do so, he had to let it go. Sorry, reality strikes! His talents lie elsewhere. I’ve always dreamed of being a dancer; but I’m a klutz. I’ve always dreamed of having a perfect body—but it’s just not going to happen. Some dreams are simply childish and can get in the way of adult responsibilities—time to grow up.
Something as seemingly wonderful as a dream can even take on a sinister element; this can happen when it is foisted onto someone else, such as your child. Maybe your kid simply isn’t capable of being an A student. Maybe your kids have no musical ability or athletic ability. Perhaps they aren’t beautiful and will never be prom queen. These types of expectations can be harmful to your children if they sense they are letting you down. It’s time to throw these unattainable dreams out!
Out with the old, in with the new. In my next column, I will offer suggestions on how to welcome change in all of these areas.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 26 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
