By Anne Gagliano
Seventy-two million Americans have seen porn at least once in their lives, while 40 million visit porn Web sites every month. Nearly 100 percent of therapists report an alarming rise in treating porn addiction. We are now raising entire generations on porn, with the current average age of exposure being just 11—imagine that, witnessing an explicit pornographic image before your first kiss?
Pornography is readily available to anyone at any time—it’s quite tempting, especially for men; 85 percent of viewers are indeed men. So what’s the big deal; it’s just a little harmless fun, isn’t it? After all, a bit of porn can liven up the old marital sex life, right? Wrong!
Pornography is anything but harmless, and it’s rarely just “occasional,” because it is just as addictive as any drug; the chemicals that are released into the brain from drug use are identical to those released while viewing porn. Pornography addiction is the most harmful when it comes to marriage, and there are three primary reasons for this.
1) Porn creates a negative attitude toward intimate relationships. Countless studies and neurological imaging confirm this. Susan Fiske, professor of psychology at Princeton University, used MRI scans in 2010 to analyze men watching porn. Afterward, brain activity revealed they viewed women more as an object than as a person. Wives of porn addicts often seek therapy, and they report this as their number one complaint: Their husband no longer seemed “present” during sex. Intimacy had vanished. Porn movies are consistent in presenting women as either one of four things: mindless playmates, nymphomaniacs, heartless gold-diggers, or someone who enjoys pain. These dehumanizing views of women are demeaning and present them as subordinates instead of sensitive, intelligent, loving persons with a soul of equal value to any man. Wives report a noted change in their husband’s treatment of them as their addictions grow; affection, communication, and nonsexual touch evaporate, and since this is the number one need in marriage for most women, it is no wonder that the relationship suffers.
2) Porn numbs you. You may think that porn arouses you, stimulates you, enlivens you, but in actuality, it numbs you, like Novocain. The more you see, the more your sexual spirit is killed off, making it increasingly difficult to get stimulated. Normal marital relations become boring. Wives of addicts say that their husbands’ demands for extreme behaviors increase, sometimes even to the point of roughness. The things you see in porn are things you’ve never seen before and wouldn’t see otherwise. It is virtually impossible to get these images out of your head; once you’re exposed, you’re never the same. It kills off your soul little by little, leaving you empty. It’s like cutting into a forest: As far as you go in is as far as you will go the next time. Deeper and deeper an addict will go till it takes over; your spouse no longer appeals to you, and you no longer appeal to your spouse. What you believed would enliven the marital relationship has instead killed it; what you thought would make you feel more alive has instead left you feeling dead inside.
3) Porn trades the truth for a lie. Porn stars are a fantasy. Most are barely over 18, their images are enhanced or air brushed. Many have had plastic surgery. They seem mindless or soulless as stated before, making them the perfect sex objects. The variety is endless to the viewer; all shapes and sizes are readily available to enjoy. For the addict, the fantasy becomes more appealing than the reality of a real flesh-and blood woman, your soul mate, someone who loves you—your wife. That is the lie of porn; it promises fulfillment but instead delivers emptiness, rendering the viewer, one who once had a meaningful relationship, utterly alone. Many addicts begin to isolate themselves, lie, and exhibit secretive behavior. Addicts become literally married to the Web, preferring to gratify themselves sexually alone, withdrawing from their partner altogether. It has the same impact on a marriage as an actual affair; wives feel lied to, cheated on, and replaced by the “perfect woman,” or the fantasy—someone they could never be. But here’s the truth: Nearly 95 percent of porn performers contract sexually transmitted diseases at least once in their short-lived carriers, including incurable genital herpes and even HIV. As a result, many become permanently infertile. Most are drug addicts that will do anything for money. They are broken, desperate, damaged girls who report being exploited, abused, and often forced into prostitution by this industry. They are hardly the “ideal” woman. Pornography promises everything but delivers nothing; it is a lie in every sense of the word.
Porn vs. marriage—which one wins? Which will get all of your passion, erotic energy, and desire—a computer image or the real, flesh-and-blood woman who loves you back? You decide.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 27 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
