FALSE ALARMS

FALSE ALARMS

STRAIGHTENED OUT

Jones was one of those who was always suffering from some form of imaginary ailment. Each conflict that he had with the forces of the world, produced some symptom similar to a known disease. Poor business left its mark, but the greatest shock, from which he never seemed to recover, was an early morning fire in his home from which he and his family just managed to escape.

Some time after this, he came staggering home early in the afternoon. He was bent forward. He tottered to a chair, and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

“Mary,” he gasped to his wife, “the long expected has come at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn’t straighten up. I can’t lift my head. Hurry for the doctor.”

When the doctor had seen the patient, Mrs. Jones, fearing the worst, inquired:

“Is there any hope?”

“Well, madam,” said the doctor, “it will help a good deal if he will unhitch the third buttonhole of his vest from the top button of his trousers.”

Save when you’re young so you can buy things you can’t use when you’re old.

ABRIDGED FORM

The Lieutenant was about to be married, and so some of the boys arranged a party in his honor. Like all gatherings of that nature, the festivities were prelonged to an early morning hour.

One of the boys who was married, was asked by a friend:

“What did your wife say about your being out so late last night?”

“She’s not through yet. When she finishes with the subject, I’ll condense it for you.”

An architect’s error today is a breakfast nook tomorrow.

JUST NATURAL

“Liza, you remind me fo’ all de world of brown sugah.”

“How come, Sam?”

“You am so sweet and so unrefined.”

PREFERRED LIST

An instructor was showing some of the men the prone pressure method of resuscitation. A crowd of interested spectators had gathered around, and the instructor was working on the “victim.” A slightly intoxicated gentleman strolled up to the outer fringe of the crowd and inquired:

“Shay, wash going on here?”

One of the crowd answered, “They’re saving people.”

“Fine,” said the unsteady visitor, “tell ent to save me that big blonde over there by the door.”

It it’s funny enough to tell, it’s been told; if it hasn’t been told, it’s too clean; and if it’s dirty enough to interest the boys at the station, a new False Alarm editor is selected.

SMALL RISK

The new insurance agent was somewhat surprised at the request that he call at his office at once.

The manager was very indignant. He asked, “Why in the world did you ever write a policy on a man ninetyeight years old.”

“Well,” explained the new agent, “I looked in the census report and I found there were only a few people of that age who died each year.”

Some people are like the flea, who crossed the bridge on the elephant’s back, and then said. “Boy, we sure made that thing shake.”

JUST DELICATE

Mrs. Reilly did not smell smoke. She performed her regular Saturday night duties. Her neighbors did smell smoke. That is why some firemen entered a few of the apartments uninvited.

Mrs. Reilly told her experience to a neighbor.

“Yes,” I sez to him, sez. I, “if you was as much of a gentleman as I was a perfect lady, you’d get the hell outa here.”

RESULT OF ECONOMY

Due to the cuts which were given to the members of the department, the Lieutenant was forced to teach his bride the advantages of a budget system, and the importance of running the house according to a budget.

One night when he came home, she said to him:

“John, I bought some sheets, pillow cases and blankets today. Shall I put them down in my budget as cover charge or overhead?”

It was Philbert that put in the call, but I think he's got it under control now.

—Courtesy, Colliers neekly

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