FALSE ALARMS

FALSE ALARMS

Reflections

A backwoods mountaineer found a mirror which a tourist had lost.

“Well, if it ain’t my old pappy,” he said as he looked in the mirror. “I never knowed he had his picture took.”

He took the mirror home and sneaked it up into the attic to hide it. But his actions did not escape his suspicious wife. That night while he slept she slipped up to the attic and found the mirror.

“Hum-um,” she exclaimed, looking into it, “So that’s the old hag he’s been a-chasin!”

Perseverance

A fellow went to a picnic all by himself. But he was lucky, for when he got there he met a girl, also unattached, who had a shoe box full of lunch. They had some sandwiches and eggs and then rowed out on the lake. In the evening when the picnic was over, he offered to take her home.

“Oh, you can’t do that,” she said, “because I live a mile from the end of the trolley line.”

“I’ll take you home,” he insisted. “I haven’t anything else to do anyhow.”

So they took the trolley and at the end of the line they started to walk.

They walked about half a mile when the fellow stopped.

“Give me a kiss, will you?” he asked.

“Okay,” she said.

But since she was twice as tall as he was he couldn’t reach her lips. Luck was with him again for they were standing in front of an abandoned blacksmith shop. They went inside and the fellow got up on the anvil and kissed the girl. Then they started walking again. About half a mile later, the fellow asked for another kiss.

“No more kissing tonight,” she said.

“Well, if you aren’t going to kiss me,” he said, “I guess there isn’t any sense in my carrying this anvil any farther.”

The nice old lady smiled at the little girl who had been left in charge of the cake shop.

“Don’t you sometimes feel tempted to eat one of the cream puffs, my dear?” she said?

The little girl was quite shocked. “Of course not. That would be stealing. I only lick them.”

An old maid was asked what she desired most in a husband—brains, wealth, or appearance. She snapped back, “Appearance, and the sooner the better.”

We remodeled the place from an old fire station!

Obedient

Visiting Nurse: Did you drink three pitchers of water and stay in bed like I told you?

Patient: I drank the water.

“I don’t mind washing dishes for you,” wailed Elmer. “And I will even sweep the floors, but I ain’t gonna run no ribbons through my nightshirt just to fool the baby.”

Wife: “Do you think getting drunk is the way to remember our wedding anniversary?”

Husband: “Who’sh tryin’ to remember?”

Doctor: “What you need, my dear young lady, is a little sun and air.” Sweet Young Thing: “Why, Doctor, how dare you! Why, I’m not even married.”

Pa: “It is 2 A.M. and time Jane’s boy friend went home.”

Ma: “Now pa, remember how we used to court.”

Pa: “That settles it, out he goes.”

A Kentucky Colonel always closed his eyes when he took a drink. When questioned concerning this habit he readily explained.

“The sight of good lickah, suh,” he said, “always makes my mouth watah, suh, an’ I do not like to dilute my drink, suh.”

“In America,” the G.I. explained to the Russian, “I can go right into the President’s office and tell him what I think of him . . . Eisenhower, himself.

The Russian replied: “So what? In Russia I can go right into Bulganin’s office and tell him exactly what I think of President Eisenhower.”

A visitor at a golf club paid his green fees and fixed up a match. At the first tee he made a wild swing and completely missed the ball.

“By George!” he exclaimed. “It’s a good thing I found out right at the start. This course is at least two inches lower than the one I usually play on.”

“Any big men born around here?” a tourist asked a villager in a superior tone.

“Nope,” responded a native, “best we can do is babies. Different in the city, I suppqse?”

A wolf is a guy who loves life, enjoys liberty and the happiness of pursuit.

Many a train of thought goes wrong because it has too many loco motives.

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