FALSE ALARMS

FALSE ALARMS

Bad Egg

A school teacher relates that she was giving her small pupils a lesson on birds, and after telling about the hatching of the eggs, the care of the mother bird and the first lessons in flying, she said: “Now, children, I am the mother bird and you are the little birds nestled in your cozy nest. I want you all to spread your wings and fly away.”

Each child, waving arms to the music she beat skipped to the dressing room, with the exception of one little fellow, who remained in his seat. Turning to him she said: “Donald, why didn’t you fly away with all the other little birds?”

“ ’Cause,” came the prompt unexpected reply, “I was a bad egg.”

A customer sat down at a table at a smart restaurant and tied his napkin around his neck. The manager scandalized, called a boy and said to him, “Try to make him understand as tactfully as possible that that’s not done.”

Boy (seriously to customer): “Shave or haircut, sir?”

No sooner had I stepped across the threshold into the room than I felt myself hurled into the air like a projectile. Everything Began to swim before my eyes. The walls seemed to converge on me like a veritable Poe’s Pit. The floor receded from me with a sweeping speed that made all the objects on it dance like living imps, diminishing all the while! The ceiling seemed to be dropping upon me with increasing rapidity and a horrible, sickening nausea overcame me as I saw it crush me like a juggernaut! One brief instant—and I was plunged into the water with a resounding splash!

Who in the hell left the soap on the bathroom floor?

Wife: “Darling, the maid has burned the eggs. Would you be satisfied with a couple of kisses for breakfast?”

Hubby: “Sure, send her in.”

A sailor walked into a recruiting office and said: “Gimme that ol’ sales talk again! Pm gettin’ kinda discouraged!”

Bar Room Doggerel

‘Twas the middle of September—

Or maybe ’twas November,

I was walking down the street with drunken pride;

My Heart was all aflutter,

So I laid down in the gutter,

And a pig came up and laid down by my side.

While laying in the gutter,

With my heart just all aflutter, A lady, passing by, was heard to say:

You can tell a man that boozes By the company he chooses;

So the pig got up and slowly walked away.

Teacher: “Ichabod, for what was Louis XIV responsible?”

Ichie: “I dunno, Louis XV, I s’pose.”

A Man of Letters

Oh MLE, what XTC,

I always feel when UIC.

I used to rave of LN’S I’S

4 LC I gave countless sighs

4 KT 2 and LNR,

I was a keen competitor.

But each now’s a non-NTT,

4 UXL M ALL UC.

The Ages of Man

The eleven ages of man can be expressed in menu form as follows:

  1. Milk.
  2. Milk and bread.
  3. Milk, bread, eggs and spinach.
  4. Oatmeal, bread and butter, green apples and all-day suckers.
  5. Ice cream soda and hot dogs.
  6. Minute steak, fried potatoes, coffee, and apple pie.
  7. Bouillon, roast duck, scalloped potatoes, creamed broccoli, fruit salad, divinity fudge, and demi-tasse.
  8. Pâté de foie gras, weiner schnitzel, potatoes Parisienne, egg plant a l’opera, demi-tasse, and Roquefort cheese.
  9. Two soft-boiled eggs, toast, and milk.
  10. Crackers and milk.
  11. Milk.

A young ruffian was brought in from a street fight pretty well banged up. His hands were a bloody mess. As the doctor looked him over, the lad anxiously asked: “Do you think I’ll have full use of my hands again, doc?”

“Certainly.”

“Do you think I’ll be able to play the piano?”

“No doubt about it.”

“Gee, thanks, doc, I never could before.”

Debutante (telephoning home at 3:30 a.m.): “Don’t worry about me, mom, Pm O.K. I’m in jail.”

Mary had a little lamb.

Its fleece was white as snow.

But everywhere that Mary went.

’Twas her calves that stole the show.

Next to lightning, the fastest thing in the world is the nudist who spills hot coffee in his lap.

The man who gets the idea that he’s a big shot is often the first to get fired.

She was only a baker’s daughter, but all she wanted was a little oven.

Before you marry a girl, you catch her in your arms. After you are married you catch her in your pockets.

Cocktail lounges are half-lit to match the patrons.

No posts to display