WHY THERE ARE NOT MORE CONVICTIONS
A young foreign-born was being tried on the charge of setting fire to his little shop in order to get himself out of the way of impending failure. The young district attorney began questioning him:
“Now, Lasky. what do you do?” “Yen,” asked Lasky.
“When you work, of course,” said the lawyer.
“I know,” said the lawyer, “what at?” “At a bench.”
“Ah,” groaned the lawyer, “where do you work at a bench?”
“At a factory.”
“What kind of a factory?”
“You make bricks.”
“No, de factory is made of bricks.” “Now, Lasky, what do you make in that factory?”
“Four dollars a day.”
“No, no; what does the factory make?”
“A lot of money, I tink.”
“Now listen; what kind of goods does the factory produce?”
“Ah,” said Lasky, “good goods.”
“I know, but what kind of goods?” “De best.”
“The best of what?”
“De best there is.”
“Of dos goods.”
“Your honor,” sighed the lawyer, “I give up.”
—Youngstown Sheet & Tube Bulletin.
SOMETHING WRONG SOMEWHERE
“What are those buckets for on the shelf in the back room?” asked the new hardware clerk.
“Can’t you read? It says on them ‘For Fire Only.’ ”
“Then why do you put Water in them?” demanded the new clerk.
Chief Collins of the ………. fire
department thinks he has the dumbest fireman in the country’ on his force. He submits the following dialogue as proof of his statement:
Captain : “Murphy, go get my boots !
Murphy starts, hesitates, stops—
Captain: “Well ?”
Murphy: “Captain did you say to
get—both of ’em, or—just one,”
Fire truck salesman (demonstrating car for Fire Committeeman of village) —Now I will throw in the clutch.
Fire Committeeman—I’ll take her then. I knew’ if I held off long enough you’d give me something for nothing, b’gosh 1—Self Starter.
“Why have you a black band around your arm? Who died?”
“Nobody. I burned a little hole there with my cigar.”—Karikaturen (Oslo.) He was a member of a Long Island volunteer fire department, for amusement. For a living he specialized in repairing Fords. One night the alarm sounded and the Ford fireman jumped into the first flivver he reached in his shop.
The fire was a “worker.” and when it was over, and the apparatus had rolled away, a policeman, recognizing him asked why he was hanging around:
“I’m stuck,” was the reply. “I grabbed the first flivver I could reach when the whistle blew and now I’m be darned if I know which one it was, and I’ve got to hang around until everybody else goes home and take the flivver that’s left!”—Howard Pearsall.
Mr. Cohn to his four year old son Jakie, who is outside of his father’s tailor shop; “Jakie r-r-r-r-r you playin’ wid matches? How many times 1 told you already if you vant to play wid matches you should come inside—hah ?”
When the stove in the home of Mrs. Bernard Short, quarantined for scarlet fever by the Evansville, Ind., authorities, went on strike, she knew that it was impossible to call a plumber or any other workman to adjust the stove. So she tried something else. When firemen asked, “Where’s the fire?” she replied, ‘There isn’t any, and that’s the trouble.” The stove w’as fixed.—Boston Globe.
FIRE ALARM THAT BROUGHT “PROTECTION”
Lester Garvey, a middle-aged man who gave his address as 160 Sleeker street, New York city, and whose intake had been in close contiguity to some reservoir of booze, parked himself against a fire alarm box at Fifth avenue and Fourteenth street, a few day ago. In his endeavor to keep his body front skidding, he clutched the lever and sent in an alarm.
“Where is the fire?” asked patrolman Sullivan.
“No fire.” replied Garvey. “I (hic) 1 want proteshun—I wanner go home.” Four fire engines rolled up, followed by two hook and ladder trucks and a water tower. The insurance patrol soon hove in sight, flanked by the emergency crews of the gas and electric companies.
Deputy Fire Chief Henry Helm leaped from his car and accosted Garvey. “Chief,” said Garvey, “I wanner go home. Take me home, please.” So Policeman Sullivan took him home—to the station house, where Chief Henry Helm entered complaint, and Garvey was given ample time to drain out his tank.
FIRE APPARATUS MISPLACED —TOWN NEARLY BURNS
Owing to the fire apparatus having been misplaced by the fire department of Ceredo, W. Va., the business portion of that town was nearly destroyed by fire recently. A blaze started in a pool room and spread to adjoining buildings. The only fire apparatus had previously been destroyed, and a truck with 500 feet of hose were purchased and stored in a garage, but the firemen had forgotten where. After an hour’s search the aparatus was found. Meanwhile a neighboring department had come to the relief of Ceredo and saved it from destruction.