“What sort of a fellow is your new boy friend?”
“He’s a perfect angel. And how is yours”?
“Oh, he’s the very devil.”
“Care to trade?”
A man with a wooden leg recently approached an insurance agent, asking for fire insurance on his leg. The agent, rather stumped, called his company underwriter for the proper manner in which to classify the policy risk. Shortly thereafter, the underwriter phoned back, stating that coverage could be provided easily by classifying the leg as a “wooden addition, protected by a sprinkler system!”
The husband and wife were arguing as husbands and wives will.
“I’m going home to mother,” the wife said. “I should have listened to her 20 years ago.”
Her husband replied: “Go ahead. She’s still talking.”
The unhappy musician worked very hard on a new arrangement—then his wife decided not to leave town after all.
Two firemen were out for a night on the town. They made the rounds of the bars until they all closed in the early morning hours. Starting home, one said, “It’s awful late. What will you say to your wife?”
“Oh, nothing much,” answered the second fireman, “Just good morning, dear, or something of that sort. She’ll say the rest!”
Two golfers were annoyed by a female twosome in front of them on the course. One of the ladies dawdled on the fairway, while her companion searched long and industriously in the rough.
At length one of the men, waiting at the tee, shouted: “Why don’t you help your friend hunt her ball?”
“Oh, she has her ball,” the lady blandly replied. “She’s looking for her club.”
Two duck hunters spend hour after hour of shooting without ruffling the feathers of a single bird.
“It’s getting late,” one finally said, “Let’s miss three more, then go home.”
The Old Timer Says—
“A family man is one who has several small mouths to feed and one big one to listen to.”
An irate parent wrote a note of complaint to a schoolmaster which ended as follows: “If all my Johnnie teams in school is to swear, I’ll keep him home and teach him myself!”
In referring to another, one man described a certain person in these words: “He’s the sort of guy you dislike at first, but after you get to know him a little better you detest him.”—Bob Hamm
Young Earbanger: “Chief, in your 35 years of service, you must have seen many improvements in fire fighting.”
Grizzled Veteran: “Yes, I have son, and I will tell you something else, I’ve been against every danged one of them!”
Chief T. A. Weaver
Pretty Waitress: “Do you two gentlemen see anything you like?”
Fireman: “Yes, but we’ve got to eat sometime.”
Son: “Dad, what does the paper mean by saying Chief Jones went to the firemen’s convention as a delegate-at-large?” Dad: “He didn’t take Mrs. Jones.”
“So you deceived your husband!” said the judge gravely.
“On the contrary, your honor, he deceived me. He said he was going out of town and he didn’t go.”
The most disappointed people in the world are those who get what is coming to them.
Husband to wife: “I’ll tell you whether I still love you or not after I find out what you are leading up to.”
The Old Timer says: “Love is a game that is never called off on account of darkness.”
When a man gets too old to set a bad example, he starts giving good advice.