FALSE ALARMS

FALSE ALARMS

Contagious

“Doctor, my son has cholera, and worst of it is, he admits he caught it from kissing the maid.”

“Well, well, young people do thoughtless things, don’t they?”

“Yeah, but Doctor, I’ve been kissing the maid myself.”

“Too bad.”

“And what’s more, I’ve been kissing my wife!”

“What? Oh, my gosh! Now we’ll all have it.”

Man of the House: “I miss the old cuspidor since it’s gone.”

Wife: “You missed it before. That’s why it’s gone.”

A dashing young driver named Bill, Drove recklessly down a steep hill. Said he: “I’m renowned For covering ground.”

But, alas, now the ground covers Bill.

Secretary: “There is an applicant waiting to see you who says that he used to make his living sticking his arm into a lion’s mouth.”

Personnel Mgr.: “What’s his name?” Secy.’ “Lefty.”

Slight Error

When Deacon Smith took a train to New York, the pastor asked him to order a Christmas sign to be tacked over the door of the church. Smith lost the note giving the dimensions of the sign and the inscription that was to be printed thereon, so wired the pastor: “Rush copy of motto and dimensions.” A woman clerk in the Western Union office received the reply and promptly fainted. It read: “Unto us a child is born. Eight feet long and three feet wide.”

Sue: “I like this summer resort. All the men are so full of passion.”

Lou: “Passion, the dickens! This is a health resort for asthma victims.”

He who believes that “evening” has the same meaning as “night” should note the effect it has on a gown.

Nick the Barber: “How’s the razor cutting? Does it go easy?”

Scott, the Victim: “Well, it’s like this, Nick, it all depends on the operation. If you’re trying to shave me, it goes hard; but if you’re trying to skin me, it goes easy.”

Definition Dept.

Lorgnette: A dirty look on a stick.

“Now, frankly,” warned the doctor, “I must inform you that this is a very serious operation. Four out of five patients do not survive. Is there anything I can do for you before I begin?”

“Yes,” said the patient, “help me on with my shoes and pants.”

Division of Labor

After arranging the room and bed of a young male patient, the pretty nurse inquired if there were anything else she could do to make him more comfortable.

“I would like a good night kiss,” he leered.

“O.K.,” said the pretty nurse, “I’ll send up the Orderly. He does all the dirty work.”

And then there was the woman who broke her husband of biting his nails—she hid his teeth.

Germs or no germs, kissing is dangerous. It puts an end to a lot of old maids.

To make a peach cordial—buy her a drink.

Drums of Fate

The old fashioned girl who stepped out fit as a fiddle now has a daughter who comes home tight as a drum.

Silas Clam Lies on the floor.

He tried to slam A swinging door.

Cussing, plain and fancy, came from a parked auto. A policeman hurried up and wanted to know what all the fuss was about.

Man: “Some so-and-so stole my steering gear.”

Cop: “Take it easy, just get up here in the front seat where you belong.”

“Wonder which is more satisfied—a man with a million dollars or a man with six kids?”

“A man with six kids.”

“Can you prove it?”

“Well, a man with a million dollars always wants more.”

A BAR:

Where people go in Optimistically and come Out misty optically.

A sugar daddy is a form of crystallized sap.

They were married and lived happily even after.

The height of bad luck—seasickness and lockjaw.

She: “Don’t you think dancing makes a girl’s feet larger?”

He: “Yes.”

She: “I rather think swimming gives

a girl awfully big shoulders, don’t you?” He: “Yeah.”

Pause.

He: “You must ride quite a bit, too.”

An epitaph in a little rural cemetery reads like this:

“Here lie the bones Of Virginia Jones,

For her, life held no terrors;

Born a maid Died a maid

No hits—no runs—no errors.”

ARTIST’S MODEL—Girl who is unsuited for her work.

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