FALSE ALARMS

FALSE ALARMS

When Clancy Starts to Polish Those Headlights, He Forgets About Everything Else!

Confused

Lawrence Cramer, youthful, unimpressive-looking governor of the Virgin Islands, called upon the Secretary of the Interior. He gave his name to a doorkeeper merely as “Cramer,” and sat down to wait. Thirty minutes passed, then 45.

The young governor concluded that he had not made his name and position clear. So he approached the doorkeeper and explained that he was governor of the Virgin Islands.

Flustered, the man picked up the telephone.

“Mr. Secretary,” he said, “there’s a virgin here from Governor’s Island.”

If Might Work

The fire truck on a rural run came to a sudden standstill on a country road. The driver descended, diagnosed the trouble and then applied at a neighboring cottage for assistance.

“Pardon me,” he said to the old woman who answered his knock, “do you by chance possess any lubricating oil?”

The old woman shook her head.

“Any oil will do,” said the motorist, hopefully “castor oil if you have any.”

“I ain’t got it,” said the old woman, regretfully, “but I could fix you up with a bit o’ salts.” ,

Lxcited Patient: “Let me up—I want to get out of here!”

Nurse: “Lie down and be quiet. The doctor is a very excitable man and loses bis patience easily,”

Patient: “So I heard and that’s why I want to get away.”—Health Digest.

A city girl went swimming in the nude in a secluded mill pond. Along came a boy, who started to tie knots in her clothes. She grabbed up an old wash tub and holding it in front of her marched toward the boy, saying, “You little brat, do you know what I’m thinking?”

“Yes,” said the little brat. “You are thinking that tub has a bottom in it.”

Politeness

Natives of the Carolinas are noted for their great politeness. Once in the old days, a passenger was enjoying a smoke in the smoking car. From time to time he expectorated with great satisfaction out of the open window.

The rush of air caused by the fastdying train must have interfered with his aim, for a tall, lean Carolinian in the seat just back of him touched him lightly on the shoulder and remarked with great politeness: “Mistah, you done spit on me fob times an’ I ain’t said nothin’ about it. I wouldn’t say nothin’ now, ceptin’ I got on my Sunday-best suit of clothes.”

To New Tenant: “You know we keep it very quiet and orderly here. Do you have any children?”

“No.”

“A piano, radio, or victrola?”

“No.”

“Do you have a dog, cat or parrot?” “No,” but my fountain pen scratches a little sometimes.”—Building Business.

We Never Know

The builder had to go away on business and Tony was left in charge to interview any prospective buyers. He showed off the property and was doing well when a client exclaimed:

“Yes, I like the house. The only thing that worries me is that it is so near that ugly explosives factory that the view is spoiled.”

“Don’t let that worry you, sir,” said Tony. “The explosives factory might blow up any day.”

Check Your Hat, Mister?

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