FALSE ALARMS

FALSE ALARMS

“What sort of a fellow is your new boy friend?”

“He’s a perfect angel. And how is yours”?

“Oh, he’s the very devil.”

“Care to trade?”

Special Risk

A man with a wooden leg recently approached an insurance agent, asking for fire insurance on his leg. The agent, rather stumped, called his company underwriter for the proper manner in which to classify the policy risk. Shortly thereafter, the underwriter phoned back, stating that coverage could be provided easily by classifying the leg as a “wooden addition, protected by a sprinkler system!”

The husband and wife were arguing as husbands and wives will.

“I’m going home to mother,” the wife said. “I should have listened to her 20 years ago.”

Her husband replied: “Go ahead. She’s still talking.”

Sad Tale

The unhappy musician worked very hard on a new arrangement—then his wife decided not to leave town after all.

Two firemen were out for a night on the town. They made the rounds of the bars until they all closed in the early morning hours. Starting home, one said, “It’s awful late. What will you say to your wife?”

“Oh, nothing much,” answered the second fireman, “Just good morning, dear, or something of that sort. She’ll say the rest!”

Two golfers were annoyed by a female twosome in front of them on the course. One of the ladies dawdled on the fairway, while her companion searched long and industriously in the rough.

At length one of the men, waiting at the tee, shouted: “Why don’t you help your friend hunt her ball?”

“Oh, she has her ball,” the lady blandly replied. “She’s looking for her club.”

What would you boys like to inspect first?

Two duck hunters spend hour after hour of shooting without ruffling the feathers of a single bird.

“It’s getting late,” one finally said, “Let’s miss three more, then go home.”

The Old Timer Says—

“A family man is one who has several small mouths to feed and one big one to listen to.”

An irate parent wrote a note of complaint to a schoolmaster which ended as follows: “If all my Johnnie teams in school is to swear, I’ll keep him home and teach him myself!”

In referring to another, one man described a certain person in these words: “He’s the sort of guy you dislike at first, but after you get to know him a little better you detest him.”—Bob Hamm

Young Earbanger: “Chief, in your 35 years of service, you must have seen many improvements in fire fighting.”

Grizzled Veteran: “Yes, I have son, and I will tell you something else, I’ve been against every danged one of them!”

Chief T. A. Weaver

Pretty Waitress: “Do you two gentlemen see anything you like?”

Fireman: “Yes, but we’ve got to eat sometime.”

Son: “Dad, what does the paper mean by saying Chief Jones went to the firemen’s convention as a delegate-at-large?” Dad: “He didn’t take Mrs. Jones.”

“So you deceived your husband!” said the judge gravely.

“On the contrary, your honor, he deceived me. He said he was going out of town and he didn’t go.”

The most disappointed people in the world are those who get what is coming to them.

Husband to wife: “I’ll tell you whether I still love you or not after I find out what you are leading up to.”

The Old Timer says: “Love is a game that is never called off on account of darkness.”

When a man gets too old to set a bad example, he starts giving good advice.

False Alarms

1

False Alarms

DEPARTMENTS

Here’s your 'howling and yowling in the transmission.’ It was under the floor boards— and next time call an animal trainer instead of the department mechanic!

Kinkchaser: “I’m worried. My wife talked in her sleep last night and kept saying, “No John, no, John.”

plugwrench: “Well, what’re you worrying about? She said ‘No,’ didn’t she?”

Doctor: “Drink is slowly killing you.”

Old Timer: “That’s okay, Doc. I’m in no hurry.”

School days can be the happiest days of your life, if your child is old enough to attend.

Two men, fishing on a Sunday morning, were feeling a bit guilty.

One said to the other, “I suppose we should have gone to church.”

“Heck,” said the other, “I couldn’t have gone to church anyway. My wife’s sick in bed.”

“Isn’t this toy too complicated for a small child?” protested the mother to the sales clerk.

“I don’t think so at all,” he replied. “You see, it’s an educational toy. It’s designed to train the child for the world la ’s got to live in. Any way he puts it together, it’s wrong.”

“A fire fighter got married and opened a joint bank account for his wife, But he discovered that she had no regard for the bank balance. “Dear,” he said, mildly reproving, “the bank has returned one of your checks.”

“Oh, goody,” she cried, “now we can buy something else with it!”

“Farm products cost more than they used to.”

“Yes,” replied Bill Perkins, “when a farmer is supposed to know the botanical name of what he’s raising and the zoological name of the insect that eats it, and the chemical name of what will kill it, somebody’s got to pay.”

“Harry,” said the fellow next door, “do you think I’m crazy because sometimes I talk to myself?”

For a moment Harry soberly pondered the question. “No,” he finally decided, “but you are if you ever listen.”

The captain, who was quite an outdoor cook, invited his superior for Sunday dinner. He decided to barbecue chicken on the outdoor grill. After he’d made all his preparations, donned his chef’s costume and had the chicken on the spit, he started to turn the crank. As the heat increased and the bird dripped fat onto the coals, the flames leaped up and caressed the bird to turn it a delicate brown. The captain kept on turning the crank and turning the crank.

Finally, a beatnik who was visiting next door and had been watching the process, just couldn’t contain himself any longer. He yelled over the hedge: “I don’t want to bug ya, Dad, but your music’s stopped and your monkey’s on fire”

One gentleman of leisure approached another on a highway. “What are von doing?” he asked.

“I’m hitchhiking,” the second gentleman replied.

“Then why haven’t you got your thumb up?”

“I’m on my coffee break.”

Steno May: “Do you notice any difference in the way boys make love, Honey?”

Steno Fay: “Not very much, May, most of them use the old standard shift.”

An insurance man walked into a lunchroom and, taking his place on one of the vacant stools, ordered bread and milk. The fellow sitting on the next stool asked: “On a diet?”

“No. Commission.”

Salesman: “Would you like to see a model home?

Plugwrench: “Sure would. What time does she quit work?”

Barber: “I can’t shave you any faster, sir. I’m doing my best.”

Customer: “Well, that won’t do. You hold the razor still, and I’ll wiggle my face.”

Mama: “You shouldn’t blame Roger, darling. He’s only a dog. He couldn’t know it was wrong to eat your dolly’s dress.”

Darling: “I know, mommy, so all I did was eat all the meat off his bone before I took him his supper.”

Mrs. White: “Does your Bobby find his school problems difficult?”

Mrs. Creen: “Gracious, no! He says they are easy, but the teacher is always complaining that his answers are too original.”

Postal Inspector: “There have been complaints that no mail has’ been sent from this station for several weeks. What’s wrong?”

New Postmaster: “Well, you can see for yourself that the bag isn’t nowheres near full yet.”

At a busy corner a man waited for a traffic break so that he could cross the street. After 10 minutes, he saw a man on the other side of the street and called to him, “How did you get over there?”

The other man cupped his hand around his mouth and shouted: “I was born on this side.

“What a delicious cake, Margie. What’s the recipe?

“It’s easy to make. I take as much flour as I think I’ll need and quite a little dab of butter and a pinch or so of cream of tartar and several eggs if they’re plentiful, and less if they aren’t, and I stir until I get tired and bake it in a so-so oven until I think it’s done.”