First Wife: “I don’t see for the life of me what kick you and your husband get out of going to a nite club and getting tanked up every weekend.”
Second Wife: “Well, if you must know, every time he gets half lit, he thinks I’m somebody else’s wife and sneaks me into our apartment the back way.”
If the soup had been as warm as the wine; if the wine had been as old as the turkey; and if the turkey had had a breast like the waitress, it would have been a swell dinner.
How to Wreck a Conversation
Three ways to break up a dinner conversation. I. Ask the lady on your right if she is married. If she says yes, ask her if she has any children. If she says no, ask her how she does it. 2. Ask the lady on your left if she is married. If she says no, ask her if she has any children. 3. Lean across the table and ask the lady facing you if she has any children. If she says yes ask her if she is married.
How to become a good speaker: Get up speak up—shut up sit down.
Many a rural romance started out with a gallon of corn and ended up with a full crib.
“What’s the matter, Sam, you don’t look good?”
“I’m not feeling well. I’m just recovering from a slight case of whisky.”
News Flash from Hickory Gap “PostExaminer”—
“Eudora Leghorn was married to Abe Elk last Monday and would have left immediately for Palm Springs on her honeymoon if she wasn’t so considerate of her sister. She let her sister go instead because the happy bride had already been to Palm Springs once.”
Her eyes were black as jet.
This charming girl I knew;
I kissed her. then her husband came.
Now mine are jet black, too.
If you growl all day, you are bound to be dog tired at night.
First Sales Girl: “Did you know that two men once fought a duel over me? They used pistols to see who’d get me.” Second Sales Girl: “What happened?” First Sales Girl: “One got me in the leg and the other got me in the arm.”
A traveling salesman, holed up in a small Kansas town by a bad snow storm, wired his firm: “Stranded here due to storm. Wire instructions.”
This reply came back: “Start summer vacation immediately.”
He: “When I was in Europe I saw a woman hitched to a mule.”
She: “That happened at my wedding, too.”
America is a land where you can rise from a plain cabin to a cabin plane!
Well to Remember
One day there was a beautiful bull rampaging and bellowing and snorting in the pasture.
A lion heard him. The lion sneaked up on the bull, attacked him and ate him.
Then the lion felt so good that he too romped around the pasture and roared in rapture.
A hunter heard the lion. The hunter stalked the lion and shot him.
Moral: Never shoot off your mouth when you’re full of bull.
The three great menaces to driving today are hie, hike, and hug.
Some people arc like blotters — they soak it all in, but get it backwards.
After celebrating his birthday in several bars, the traveling salesman weaved his way to his car, opened the rear door and climbed in.
“Hey, there,” yelled the cop. “You’re in no condition to drive.”
“Oh, shtop botherin’ peashful citizens. If you want to do somethin’ ushful, whynt you catch whoever it wush who stole my shteering wheel?”
Brilliant minds are polished daily by the grind of hard use.
It may be unpleasant to play poker with a “bad loser” but it is even more unpleasant to play poker with ANY kind of a winner.
“Sir!” stormed the parson, stamping into the editor’s sanctum, “your compositors are grossly incompetent!” “Indeed,” returned the editor, mildly. “What have they done?”
“Why,” came the reply, “in your report on my sermon, the word ‘reverend’ occurs 14 times, and each time they have misprinted it ‘neverend.’ ”