Stolen Wit.

Stolen Wit.

—Never look a gift mule in the heels.

—The noble horse leads a life of whoa.”

“Oh, mamma!” said a little one, “I eat so much, it spoils my appetite.”

—“Sealskin sacks are worn longer.” Same way with all the rest of our old clothes.

—It is a wise cow that knows its own fodder.”

—A quack doctor is not “a duck of a man.”

—Fire escape—the husband who lies a-bed in the morning until his wife gets up and builds the fire.

—A young man must succeed who goes into the hand-cart business with the determination to push things.

—“ First in wore, first in piece,” as the map said when the patch in the bay-window of his trousers wore through.

—This is the season when a man who wants to remember the poor can sit down and think of himself the whole day long.

—People who run up accounts have always 1 one resource—they can put matters right by coming down with some money.

—Mice can live anywhere comfortably but in a church. This proves that they can’t live on religion any more than a minister can.

—The “ nationality ” of the following epitaph will be speedily decided :—

Here lie the bodies of two sisters dear,

One’s buried in Ireland—the other lies here.

—A farmer is opposed to railroads. lie says that when he goes to town they “ bring him home so quick, he hasn’t time to get sober before he arrives.”

—If you go on an excursion, and the seats are all taken, stand up as long as you can, and then cry out “ Man overboard ! ” Every woman will rush for the rail.

—A Quaker’s admonition to a man who was pouring forth a volley of ill-language to him was : “ Have care, my friend; thou mayest run thy face against my fist.”

—A North Carolina darkey literary society recently discussed the question, “ Is it cruel to fish with angle worms?” That .vas an ini teresting subject for de bait, sure enough.

—A newspaper biographer, trying to say his subject “ was hardly able to bear the demise I of his wife,” was made by the inexorable printer to say, wear the chemise of his wife.”

—“ The funeral was all that could be expected,” says an aged lady, who looks upon these events with an artistic eye. “ The display of flowers was grand, and the widow wept like a born angel.”

—Conversation at a grocery in Watertown, N. Y. : “I suppose that everybody thinks the fire was the work of an incendiary ?” “ Wall,” said the old man, “ some do think so, but I think it was sot.”

—Several exchanges are giving directions j “ How to Dress.” The most sensible way is | to stay in bed till the fire is started, and then take your clothes under your arm and trot j out to the dining-room stove.

—A Rome merchant wall soon patent a telephone gatepost, parlor sofa and sitting-room table By its use the old lady sitting by the table in the back parlor can hear all that is whispered at the front room sofa.

—“This is disgraceful—the third time this week,” sobbed she, as he came home reeling from the club. “ My darling,” he replied, ‘‘you’ll be shorry for thish, when you get sober,” was his sorrowful comment.

—Smith and his boy met Jones the other day. “Why, Jones,” exclaimed the former, “ what’s the matter?” “ I’ve just got up from a sick bed,” answered he. “ What’s the matter with your bed ?” asked Smith’s boy.

—A canal-boat captain at a town sent his ! boy for a dollar’s worth of provisions. The boy brought back ninety-five cents’ worth of whiskey and a five cent loaf of bread. “ Heavens ! ” exclaimed the captain, “ what are you going to do with all that bread?”

—A young man hired as a clerk was told by his employer that all the clerks sleep at the house, and that it was closed punctually at ten every night. “ Oh, don’t apologize,” said the youth. “ I don’t care what time it’s i closed, if it’s only opened early enough in the ; morning.”

—“ You wasn’t around when they dealt out hair, was you?” said a red haired man to a bald headed man in a railroad car. “ Yes, I was there,” said the man with the skating, rink on the top of his head ; “ I was tHere, but they offered me a handful of red, and I told them to throw it into the coal-scuttle to kindle the fire with.”

—Two Irishmen on a certain occasion, occupied the same chamber. In the morning one i oT them inquired of the other, “ Dennis, did you hear the thunder in the night ?” ‘‘No,

Pat ; did it thunder?” “ Yes, it thundered as j if hiven and earth would come together.” “Why the deuce, then, didn’t ye wake me, for i ye knew I can’t slape when it thunders?”

—A reader in the country writes us as follows : “ A mule in our village yesterday afternoon inadvertently kicked a can of nitro. glycerine. A barn one hundred yards distant was badly wrecked, and the mule appeared somewhat surprised, whirling around two or three times before resuming work at nibbling ; grass.” We don’t believe it—that is, we do believe the kicking and wrecked barn part but we don’t believe that the mule was surprised. It is a libel on the mule. A mule is surprised at nothing.—Norristoxvn Herald.

BOILER Explosions.—It is the custom of a Hartford Insurance Company to preserve a record, as far as possible, of all the boiler explosions which occur from year to year in this country, and from this it appears that during last year the whole number of boilers exploding (not counting the small “ bursts,” of which there are always a great many) was ill, by which 154 people were killed, and 167 wounded. A classification of these disasters shows that in saw mills, planing mills, and woodworking establishments there was 27 ; steam boats and tugs 11 ; portable and coal mine boilers 10 ; locomotives 6 ; boilers for heating [6; woolen mills 5; iron works and rolling mills 4 ; threshing machines 4 ; cotton mills 3 ; bleach boilers and klins 3 ; paper mills 2; machine shops 2 ; white lead works 1 ; miscellaneous 11. One of the steamboat explosions alluded to occurred in the West on July 3, 1876. Had it occurred one day later, the loss of life would probably have been terrible, as the boat was to have taken an excursion up the river. An examination of the boiler showed that it was a second-hand one, made of three-sixteenths iron, crownsheet, not braced, and that it was run at a pressure of 115 pounds per square inch. The direct cause of the accident was low water.

Stolen Wit.

Stolen Wit.

—“Don’t show my letters,” wroto a young man to a young lady whom he adored. “Don’t be afraid,” was the reply; “I’m just as much ashamed of them as you are.”

—A handkerchief flirtation is a very simple thing. It only requires two fools and two handkerchiefs.

—”Is this the place,” she asked, as she wandered down on the barren sands, “where a young lady—a beautiful young lady—fell into the water last season, and was rescued by a gallant young man whom she afterward married ?” He looked at her carefully, estimated her at a square 47, with false teeth, and said: “Yos, ma’am, but I don’t know how to swim.”

—Al. Dudley was a prominent lawyer in old Toulumno. He was employed to defend a client for stealing a hog—jury trial. Dudley made an eloquent and successful plea. The man was acquited. He was grateful, but had no money. “ How can I ever repay you, Mr. Dudley ; 1 haven’t a cent. Accept my thanks.” “ Thanks be hanged ! ” said Al. “Send me a side of the pork.”

—Nice little girl—“ Oh, do let me see y ou drink! ” Cadtain Grogson—“ Why, my dear ? ” Nice little Girl—“ Because ma says you drink like a fish.”

—A jolly son of the ocean was about being put on board an outward-bound ship, for which he had previously entered, when he asked leave to have another run “ up town.” Being informed that he could not be permitted to go, as the ship was about to sail, ho sang out to a man on the wharf, an entire stranger to him, “ Here, my friend,’’ throwing him a five-shilling piece, “ spend that for mo—I’ll do as much for you another time.”

—“ New burglar alarm !” exclaims the Cincinnati Saturday Night. “ What we need though is something that will alarm tho old burglar.”

—“ Mrs. Henry,” said John the other evening, “ why are you liko the devil ?” And when she wont for him with the needle he had hardly time to save himself by a quotation about “sowing tares; ” the other reasons he prudently kept to himself.

—“It is well to leave something‘for those who come after us,” said a man as he threw a barrel in the way of a policeman who was chasing him.

—We learn that Mrs. Mary Dambehe resides in Chicago. Wonder if she is any kin to old Dam-be-he-who-first-cries-hold-enough P

—A matter of taste : Surgeon—“ Your pulse is still very high, my friend! Did you get those leeches all right I sent the day before yesterday?” Patient—“Yes, sir, I got ’em right enough; but mightn’t I have ’em biled next time, sir ? ”

—“Alcohol will clean silver.” Yes, alcohol well stuck to will cleanout all the silver you have, —The Borne (N. Y.) Sentinel defines money as the missing link between man and his tailor,

-TOUKIST (to friend): “ As to that, my boy, one year I drank nothing but milk.” Friend “ Indeed ! I have known you a long time, but don’t remember that. What year was it ? ” Tourist: “ My first.”

A REMARKABLE Horse.—Hook and Ladder No. 8, located on North Moore Street, boasts of a remarkable horse. [When he is thirsty, and wants a drink, he will back out of his stall, go to the hydrant, turn the faucet with his mouth, and after drinking, will turn the water off, and return to his stall. A handkerchief thrown into the air, he will catch in his mouth as it descends, and put it into the pocket of one of the members’ coats. He will lift any leg called out to him, and goes down on his knees as if in the act of saying his prayers. It is not known whether he is a member of any church or not ; but we are satisfied he is the only religious horse on the force.

How A DUTCHMAN SENT 01 1 AN AI ARM. The following very amusing story is told by some of our Firemen, which actually occurred on the East side of the city not long since.

A lire broke out in a bakery kept by a German named Herman Deitzlcr, whose sojourn in this country had been of short duration. He had been told that by going to one of the fire alarm boxes, and hollowing in the key-hole, lu; could secure the attendance of the Firemen in .1 few seconds. Harman finding that he could not put out the fire in his bakery, started up the street, post haste, to an alarm box, and climbing up to the key-hole, hollowed as loud as he could in the same, “ F-e-a-r, f-e-a-r ! comes so quickly, soon ; mine bakery bees on fear ! ” Then he ran back to his store, his hair standing almost on ends ; but no engine appeared. Harman then made a second rush to the box, and hollowing into the key-hole again, said, “Come so quick as the diva! ; mine house is getting burnter.” 11c then returned, and after rescuing a [few loaves of rye and a barrel of buns, he still .failed to see the Firemen respond to his call. Seizing an ax, he ran to the box for the third time, and smashed the door into a dozen pieces, and was in the act of resuming his call when a policeman appeared, having observed him destroying the box, and took him into enstody. When asked what he meant by such work, he replied, “ Mine Golt, mine Gott ! mine house bees on fire ; I hollow as many as a dozen times, but them Firemen no come. One, two times I hollow, like the diva!, to brings de engine ; but they no come. So I make mine mind I smash de box, so dey shall hear me. Dem Firemans is down on me, cause I gives dem no mine hot buns. I’ll break de whole city, but what I make them Firemans make haste, quick, right-away.” Herman, on being instructed how to send out the alarm, a few seconds brought the Firemen, and it was soon extinguished. When released from custody, he said to the officer, “ I bees one d—m fool. I’ll kill dat Jake Kcillcr, so I will. I jam his head in dat box ; he make so fool of me. Firemans must have all ze buns dey wants. A hundred times mine place gets fire some more, I puts it out with de key.”

And so Herman returned to his home, satisfied that he had learned a thing or two,