The JOKER

The JOKER

  • The most treacherous memory in the world belongs to a young man with a new watch.
  • A man needn’t flatter himself that he is working like a beaver simply because he throws in a lot of unnecessary damns.
  • A bank president left a Southern town the other day forever, without taking a cent of the banker’s money with him. He died.
  • Hint to fashionable ladies : If your pet poodle has fleas, tie the animal by the tail to a clothes-line and beat it with a club.
  • We often hear the expression that “the fire hr.d gone out.” And it is said that in some of our large places you can actually see the fire escape.
  • “God Bless Our Home” and “The Lord Will Provide” were the mottoes hanging on the wall of a room in which a Long Island City cockfight was held.
  • “ Haven’t you got another house you can rent me?” asked a Little Rock man of a real estate man. “What’s the matter with the one you are in?”
  • “ Nothing only 1 am behind with the rent, and 1 thought that by moving into*another one of your houses you would forget the old debt while trying to collect the new.”
  • “ Is your mistress in,” said a caller to the domestic. “ She is, sir.” “Is she engaged?” asked the caller. “Faith, she is more than that,” “she’s married.”
  • An old bachelor says: “It’s all nonsense to pretend that love is blind. I never saw a man in love that did not sec ten times as much in his sweetheart as I could.”
  • “ Waiter, has my friend Muller been here?” Waiter: “ Let me see yes; I believe he has just paid and left.” Student: “ Paid did you say ? Then it wasn’t Muller.”
  • “Is it a crime to be a woman?” asked Lillie Devereux Blake. It is not a crime, Lillie ; but being a woman when you don t want to be is certainly a great misfortune.
  • The diamonds worn by New York bartenders are said to be worth $350,000. The carbuncles worn on the noses of New York bar-patrons probably cost about $5,000,000.
  • The greatest criminal in New York, or perhaps in this country, was his own accuser the other day. He testified that in the last five years he had taught 1500 boys to play the flute.
  • Recent excavations at Pompeii have uncovered the remains of a man with both hands resting on his stomach. This would indicate that the early cucumber was not unknown to the ancients.
  • The young man who called upon his girl the other night and mistook the cat for the chair cushion and sat down on it. says that he had no idea a cat could come up to the scratch on such short notice.
  • Customer—“ Have you any first-class musical instruments ?” Shopkeeper—** Yes, sir; best stock in town, can’t be beat.” Customer, turning to go out—“ Can’t be beat, eh ? Sorry, wanted a drum.”
  • “Pat, wud yez Ink at ’em now?” Mike was looking intently at the procession honoring St. Patrick’s Day in the march. “See, now, the fellows phat drinks the whiskey all on fut, and the fellows phat sells it all a-roidin’.”
  • The Rochester Post-Express says that the fact of New York’s paying $7,000,000 a year for its religion and $22,000,000 for its drinks, goes to show that the average Gothamite is having more fun in this world than he can expect in the next.
  • Chip from a German Workshop.—Maker of musical instruments, cheerfully rubbing his hands : “ There, thank goodness, the bass fiddle is finished at last!” After a pause: “ Ach hirnmel, if I haven’t gone and left my glue-pot inside 1”
  • Secrets of the confessional ; “ Is it a sin,” asks a fashionable lady of her spiritual director, for ine to feel pleasure when a gentleman says I am hand some?” “It is, my daughter,” he replies, gravely; we should never delight in falsehood !”
  • A California ostrich farmer was kicked at by one of the birds, but missed, and the blow broke the neck of a horse. This leads a Philadelphia e xchange to remark that if the ostrich is so tough as that there is reason to fear that he will soon supplant the turkey at boarding-house Thanksgiving dinners.
  • Combination hose is something new. They are of parti-colored silk, one half red and the other half blue and so on, all the colors of the rainbow, and some not known in that celestial wonder, being introduced. They arc said to have been introduced for young women who sit on the piazzas of watering-place hotels.
  • Five men leaned up against the bar for a night-cap. One drank whiskey because the doctor ordered it; two others drank a hot Scotch because they couldn’t sleep a wink without it; a fourth drank brandy for his cholera-morbus, and the fifth man drank whiskey because he liked it. And there were only four liars in the crowd.
  • A bachelor and a spinster who jhad been schoolmates in youth and were about the same age, met in after years, and the lady chancing to remark that the “men live a great deal faster than women,” the bachelor replied: •* Yes, Maria; the last time we met we were each twenty-four years old; now I’m over forty, and I hear you haven’t reach thirty yet.” They never met again.
  • This is the season when hens run mad and will not be comforted unless they can hide away somewhere and sit day and night on a w’ooden nest-egg or an old door-knob. Several men were discussing this question in a grocery store one evening recently. A man who owns a large flock of Dorkings remark d: “ Not even an act of Congress can break up a settin’ hen. “ Ever try jammin’ ’em under a barrel an’ pourin^jyater on ’em ?” demanded the man on the sugar barrel. “ Yes.” said the Dorking man. “I’ve poured water on ’em till they grew webfooted, like a blamed duck, and afterward found ’em on an old coal hot! settin, away on lumps of coal.” “ ‘l ie a red rag around one wing,” said a man who was
  • eatftig cheese and crackers. ” That’ll fix ’em. “ might as well offer ’em a chromo,” said the Dorking man. ” I tied a whole red woolen shirt on one last spring, and dog my cals if she didn’t make a nest of it and set three weeks on the buttons.” Then the grocer said it was time to close up, and each man girded his loins anil slowly filed out.
  • — The proprietor of a menagerie issued a placard offering ioo thalers to anyone who would enter the cage of the lion. Towards the end of the performance a peasant walked up to the lion tamer and said, “Sir, I have come to earn the ioo thalers.” General horror. The lion-tamer replied with a derisive sneer ” So you want to go into the lion’s cage ?’ “Aye, sure,” said the peasant. “Come on, then ! There I will open the trap-door for you and you can step in.” ” Well, yes,” answered the honest countryman, turning to the audience with a broad grin on his face, ” 1 am going in, but the beast will have to come out first. You know, the paper otdy says, ‘ Any one going into the cage shall have a ioo thalers.’ ”

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