Enquirer asks: “What shall I do to keep my greyhound from howling at night?” Did you ever try feeding him on Paris green?
A new form of duel has lately been adopted in Mexico. The aggrieved party challenges his opponent to a ride on the Mexican Central Railroad.
Jones—“Hello! Where were you all last week?” Smith—“Down to the seashore.” Jones—” Did you have a comfortable time?” Smith—” Oh, yes; I made friends with the cook, and she let me sit by the stove.”
A retired base-ballist of some literary skill was asked to write an epitaph for a man who had just died after marrying his third wife. The ex-batter produced the following terse but expressive sentiment: “ Out on third.”
“ I never saw such a woman in all my life,” said Bass ; “ you are never satisfied with anything.” “ People who knew the man I took for a husband,” replied Mrs. B., ” think, on the contrary, that I am very easily satisfied.”
“My dear brethren,” saida minister, leaning forward and speaking very earnestly, “in this excessively warm and oppressive weather I can excuse a little drowsiness during the sermon, but I do wish that you would try and keep awake while the collection is being taken up.”
Mrs. B.—“ Are you not going to celebrate your wooden wedding ?”
Mrs. C.—” No; my first wedding was a wooden one.”
Mrs. B.—” Oh, it could not be, you know.”
Mrs. C.— “It was. I married a blockhead.”
“Carrie,” says one Somerville girl toanotheryesterday, “ are you going to the picnic tomorrow ? ” “lam; are you?” “Of course.” ” What do you intend to wear?” ” My white muslin, of course. What do you intend to wear? ’’ ” I will wear my waterproof cloak. I’ve been at picnics before.”
“ It’s a remarkable case,” said a doctor to a brother physician, the latter just entering the profession. ” My experience, of course, is not large,” returned the young man, modestly, “but I quite agree with you, doctor; it certainly is a remarkable case, and of great interest to the profession. Do you think we shall be able to save the patient ? ” ” Save the patient 1 ” exclaimed the first speaker ; “ no, we won’t be able to save the patient, but we will have a post mortem examination, and that is of much more importance.”
This forenoon a young rider jogged slowly past the City Ilall on his ” wheel.” There was a rent in one of his hose from which there fluttered yarn pennants of three different colors upon the fresh morning air, showing that he had at least three different pairs of stockings and possibly as many more.
A young widow, in erecting a monument to the ” dear departed,” cleverly availed herself of the opportunity to inscribe on his tomb: “Sacred to the memory of Mathusin Bexuchet, who departed this life aged sixty-eight years, regretting the necessity of parting from the most charming and best of women.”
A—“ You see that man over opposite ? Well, he was once one of the most respectable and respected citizens in town.” B—” And isn’t he now ? ” A— “Alas! no. He went yachting last summer and saw the sea serpent.” B—”And what of that ?” A—” Everybody now speaks of him as a liar and a drunkard.”
“ So you struck the man because he called you a liar?” said the police judge. “Yes, sir.” “ From which 1 am to infer that you were not a liar?” “Oh, no, I was a liar, and am yet. If I had not been a liar I should have paid no attention to the fellow’s remarks. Truth is so scarce, judge, that when I hear it I can’t keep down my enthusiasm.”
“ Clara, what makes you sit so close to George when he calls ? I hope you will not forget the proprieties, my child.” ” Oh, but ma, George is dreadful deaf.” “Yes, I remember, your father was troubled with the same complaint before we were married, but now I cannot go through his pantaloons’ pockets in the morning without waking him up.”
A police sergeant in Jersey City was boasting of the honesty that prevailed in his precinct. “ Why,” he said, ” you might hang your gold watch on a lamp-post in the evening and find it there still in the morning.” ” You don’t mean to say nobody would take the watch ?” exclaimed a listener. ” No ; I mean to say that nobody would take the lamp-post,” said the sergeant.
A mother frantically told the druggist that her little boy had swallowed an entire bottle of the medicine that was to be taken ” three drops every three hours.” The druggist pumped him out for $3, filled up another bottle, which he charged another dollar for, and softly patted the flagon of aquapura as he stood it back on the shelf, and remarked: “Ah, my good friend, there is no ‘druggist’s mistake’ in you.”
“We are lost; everything is gone!” he exclaimed as he wrung his hands and paced the floor. ” Not everything, Charles,” interrupted his weeping wile. ” The furniture is pawned,” he continued, ” the jewelry is pawned, the books are pawned, and now the clothes off our back. 1 cannot get work, and we shall starve.” ” Don’t despair, Charles. Recollect you still have me left.” ” I don’t see how that helps me much. I can’t pawn you.”
Pat was a fresh arrival and had obtained a situation in a hotel as a sort of man-of-all-work. ” Now, Pat,” said the landlord, ” you see that sign, ‘ Gentlemen must use the spittoons.’ If you notice any of the guests violating that rule I want you to report the matter to me.” ” Oi wull, sor.” Pat kept a sharp eye out, and, after watching a gentleman for half an hour, he went up to him and said: ” D’ye moind that sign forninst the wall, soir ? ” “Yes.” “ Phy don’t ye obsarve it, thin ?” “I am not spitting on the carpet,” said the gentleman, rather astonished. ” Oi knaw yer not, an’ ycr not usin’ the spettune naythur. 8pct, ye thafe, or Oi’ll report yez.”